It has been a year and I have been silently struggling with the absence of your smile and understanding and wise words. I wish I could have known patience then. You were ill and I was selfish and I was frustrated with you for not wanting to get better. I realize now and I know that it is too late, to treat everyone with kindness and love whether or not I think they deserve it. They probably do. Our last moments together were not pleasant and I think mum still secretly wishes she hadn’t listened to me when I said we should leave early.
That night, when the hospital called and said we should come because that was probably the last time we’d see you, I still believed you were just needing a little extra attention and needed us there. I imagined you forced them to phone us. I imagined you’d be waiting in the hall for us. I imagined that would not be the last night we’d see you. I knew you were too strong for death. You’d outlive us all. I imagined wrong.
The last few images I have of that night break my heart. Us walking into the ward and seeing the nurse shake her head. Melinda breaking down. Wesley and I holding one another outside the room. Mummy. Your warm peaceful face. The black bag full of your things. It was almost like you knew and I wish you had said something. I wish you would have hinted at the idea of a life without you. I wish you would have begged us to stay until we absolutely had to go. I wish you would have stayed until you absolutely had to go.
I miss you with every fiber of my soul and I’d use all my wishes on bringing you back if I had the slightest inkling of a feeling they would come true. I know you knew how much you meant to me irrespective of that day. Nobody loved me like you did and I miss that love. I miss the hugs. I miss the music. There are so many special things that have happened since you’ve been gone and I wish they could have happened earlier; my graduation, Wesley buying his first house, Melinda’s first baby, Mummy’s trip to Greece. You would have been so proud.
Life is unpredictable but I am so grateful for having known you. You taught me the greatest and hardest lessons in life and because of you I am equipped for this world and its hurdles and lemons and speed bumps. Thank you for being my father and the best friend I could have ever asked for.
I love you. I miss you.
Your daughter and friend,