The body, I am told, is made up of something like 70% water and I have been crying a lot lately. I am afraid if things continue this way I shall cease to exist. When I am down to my last 2% I pray you drown me at sea and hope.
I have lost people to death before but I’ve never experienced it quite like this. It has been 58 days since my father died and I have changed in more ways than one. I love change so much that I change the layout of my bedroom at least twice a month but this kind of change is hard to deal with. Here are some of the things I have noticed over the past 2 months (remember that I have barely noticed these things in the past so this is big):
- People are weird. They are weirder than I had previously imagined. This is especially about the the people I call my friends. They aren’t nearly needy enough to be annoying yet they annoy me to the nth degree with their independence. I’m lucky if I get a greeting once a week. I’m not complaining. Maybe I just wish I had chosen someone extra who would want to be in my life every day. My friends are too much like me and it frustrates me.
- I am weird because I am the least needy person when it comes to people but all of a sudden I want everyone. I need everyone. I want meaningless conversation and park bench judgments on passerby fashion decisions. I want tea time and phone calls and text messages and status updates with my name in them preceded by “I miss” and I want brunch. I have never wanted brunch more than I do now. But at the same time I want everyone to leave me the hell alone. There is no perfect balance. Nobody asks me if I’m okay when I want them to. Actually the only time I’m ever asked how I’m doing is in conjunction with a reply to my asking how they are. This does not apply to everyone only the ones I feel should be interested in my well-being. Time to find new friends? I couldn’t live without the ones I have. I’d have to reteach myself to a bunch of strangers. That isn’t the only reason though before I am placed in a category by psychology students. It’s bigger than that.
- Friend is an odd word. It’s supposed to mean something but you shouldn’t expect it to mean anything. It is furthest form what you think it is and everything you think it shouldn’t be. Most times I feel like life would be better without them. Friends equal drama and complications and tests and I hate being tested. If I have to live with the way you have chosen to show love then surely you can learn to live with the way I show it and not have to have me prove myself at every full moon.
- I am sensitive. I actually know how to cry now. I cry for movies and songs and even commercials and I’m not embarrassed. I don’t hide it. I welcome the tears because they make feel different afterwards. I feel lighter.
- I notice everything now. Colours and feels and tension and it’s not a good thing because I tend to point things out and people are sensitive. Probably not as sensitive as I’ve become though.
- I am hung up an a boy who probably doesn’t even remember I exist and I don’t get hung up on boys. I think about them from time to time and then I move on. This boy has been in my dreams several times too many in the past week. I find myself mumbling his name. I wonder what he’s doing. Then when I catch myself doing all of this I have to fake-murder him in my mind to make myself feel better about myself for having fantasized about him for so long. I wish he’d go away. Psychology students, you may have me now.
- I miss my brother and I feel like he is drifting from us. I’ve noticed this before so it doesn’t count but I wanted to make a note of it. It’s seems a lot worse now.
That wraps it. These are the majors that I can think of at the top of my head. I have this funny feeling that a lot more is going to change. Is there anyway to prepare oneself? Doubtful. I’m ready though.
Still no real excitement. I haven’t even gone to the travel clinic for my yellow fever and malaria meds yet. Have to get that done next week. When I think about it, I’m really just looking forward to getting away from everything for a week. Three weeks to go.