For the past week and a half I have been a wreck-it-ralph of emotions. I’ve tried to piece it together but it seems it isn’t just one thing. I have had to sit with my emotions and my cookies and my ice cream and my shame and figure it out before it consumed me.
I have just recently moved across the world to one of the most unforgiving countries I have ever set foot in. The people are brutally honest and the language barrier makes it that much more difficult to sugar coat comments about everything you’re self-conscious about. So, there’s that.
We are coming up to renewal period and I am not entirely sure I want to stay with this company. There are much better opportunities out there with more benefits and higher salary but as much I need health insurance, I also really like my students and my co-workers and I hate to interview. I really hate the interview process. It’s like that one time I planned to tell Cynthia off for being a bully and all I could manage was a puffed up chest and crazy eyes. She slapped me and I think that’s why I’m deaf in my left ear. Interviews are brutal. Plus, they ask you trick questions like “What are your strengths?”
Then there’s the fact that I am missing out on everything that is happening at home. One of my very close friends got engaged a few weeks ago and I didn’t find out from her. I found out from a forward little birdie in the group who should know that some news is not hers to share. Maybe she was just really excited and couldn’t contain herself. That is not the issue. The thing that really got to me was that I had to wait days before my engaged friend actually shared the news with me. I have become some sort of an after thought. It hurts.
To solidify the ‘after thought’ theory, my BEST FRIEND, who I still call my best friend after him being in the shotgun seat of a violently brutal attack on my heart, just bought a house. I have been advising for him years that paying that much rent for a place that isn’t even yours is ludicrous. No one has been more excited than me about his progression. Do you know how I found out? Through my sister who wouldn’t even have known if it wasn’t for the fact that my BEST FRIEND was dating my NIECE!
I may be wrong but I think this is the actual reason I am emotional. I’m still bitter. They have been together for three years this month. Three years. Funny enough, the anniversary of love for them is the anniversary of heartbreak for me. An ugly reminder that I am unworthy and unimportant and this has now sealed the deal. I’m mostly hurt that he didn’t think it would be important information to share with me. Like I wasn’t important anymore. I am not being dramatic. If you had big news, next level stuff, like grown-up, adult, big news… Who would you share it with? I thought I was that person to him. Turns out I’m not even the person beneath that person. I am the person who finds out on accident and who still has to ask if it’s true.
I know, I must move on. Where’s the logic in dwelling on the past especially a past that only hurts you. Everyone else has moved on. Somehow it isn’t as easy as it sounds. I know I chose to move away from home. I know I chose to remove myself from their lives but I’m not entirely comfortable with being an extra in a story I co-wrote.
Needless to say we went out to the Muslim restaurant down the street last night and ate our feelings. It was glorious and today begins the fast.