For the past week and a half I have been a wreck-it-ralph of emotions. I’ve tried to piece it together but it seems it isn’t just one thing. I have had to sit with my emotions and my cookies and my ice cream and my shame and figure it out before it consumed me.
I have just recently moved across the world to one of the most unforgiving countries I have ever set foot in. The people are brutally honest and the language barrier makes it that much more difficult to sugar coat comments about everything you’re self-conscious about. So, there’s that.
We are coming up to renewal period and I am not entirely sure I want to stay with this company. There are much better opportunities out there with more benefits and higher salary but as much I need health insurance, I also really like my students and my co-workers and I hate to interview. I really hate the interview process. It’s like that one time I planned to tell Cynthia off for being a bully and all I could manage was a puffed up chest and crazy eyes. She slapped me and I think that’s why I’m deaf in my left ear. Interviews are brutal. Plus, they ask you trick questions like “What are your strengths?”
Then there’s the fact that I am missing out on everything that is happening at home. One of my very close friends got engaged a few weeks ago and I didn’t find out from her. I found out from a forward little birdie in the group who should know that some news is not hers to share. Maybe she was just really excited and couldn’t contain herself. That is not the issue. The thing that really got to me was that I had to wait days before my engaged friend actually shared the news with me. I have become some sort of an after thought. It hurts.
To solidify the ‘after thought’ theory, my BEST FRIEND, who I still call my best friend after him being in the shotgun seat of a violently brutal attack on my heart, just bought a house. I have been advising for him years that paying that much rent for a place that isn’t even yours is ludicrous. No one has been more excited than me about his progression. Do you know how I found out? Through my sister who wouldn’t even have known if it wasn’t for the fact that my BEST FRIEND was dating my NIECE!
I may be wrong but I think this is the actual reason I am emotional. I’m still bitter. They have been together for three years this month. Three years. Funny enough, the anniversary of love for them is the anniversary of heartbreak for me. An ugly reminder that I am unworthy and unimportant and this has now sealed the deal. I’m mostly hurt that he didn’t think it would be important information to share with me. Like I wasn’t important anymore. I am not being dramatic. If you had big news, next level stuff, like grown-up, adult, big news… Who would you share it with? I thought I was that person to him. Turns out I’m not even the person beneath that person. I am the person who finds out on accident and who still has to ask if it’s true.
I know, I must move on. Where’s the logic in dwelling on the past especially a past that only hurts you. Everyone else has moved on. Somehow it isn’t as easy as it sounds. I know I chose to move away from home. I know I chose to remove myself from their lives but I’m not entirely comfortable with being an extra in a story I co-wrote.
Needless to say we went out to the Muslim restaurant down the street last night and ate our feelings. It was glorious and today begins the fast.
When I first arrived in China in August 2016, WordPress as I knew it was inaccessible. Along with Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. Of course, with the help of a VPN, one can access said sites but this too was proving too much of a hassle. A little bit of pent up frustration led me to Pinterest.
I was already using the site for weight-loss motivation and self loathing, baby room ideas, wedding planning, tips on how to get a boyfriend, tips on how to meet people, tips on how to stay friends with people you’ve met… I had about sixty three boards, what was one more?
I started a board dedicated to my life in China. The main reason was so that my mother could see me on the internet and think I was cool. My mother was also the only person who re-pinned my posts. Things were going great. Every now and again I’d fight my way through the wall, wander through Facebook and Instagram, leave a few footprints and then go back to Pinterest for the important stuff.
That was until last week when Kelley Brooke, my roommate, asked from across the hall if the internet was working and if I could access Pinterest. I couldn’t. China had taken away our last lifeline. We were devastated. Okay, we were a little sad. We’d been using Pinterest for recipe ideas and workouts and motivational quotes to caption our corny selfies on WeChat. How were we going to pass the time now?
Needless to say I am very happy to announce that for some odd reason I am in no position to question, WORDPRESS is back up and running. Thank you internet gods.
Look forward to a hundred and two posts about life in China and other stuff that revolves around my life in China.
blind dates, friends, independent, letter, life, life lesson, lonely, lonliness, megan c lucas, open letter to a friend, poet, relationships, single, single ladies, the human condition, truth, warning, words, writer, writing
Dear Caring Friend
Being single is not synonymous with loneliness. I am not lonely and I am not looking for a man to fill any voids in my spirit or my body. As my friend, you should know that I have standards and that I am not falling at the feet of every man who says I’m pretty or bounces his hand against my curls. Just because I flirt does not mean I want to have sex and just because I have sex does not mean I am desperate for a relationship. Take a step back. please stop setting me up with guys. Stop looking for sparks. You should want the things for me that I want for me. If you don’t know what I want for me then you aren’t trying hard enough to know me. Please stop suggesting things and people to me. I need your standards to be higher than mine. I need you to say my friend deserves the most amazing kiss or the most passionate sex or the most romantic life and so anyone who so much as puckers his lips in my direction is probably wasting his time. I only ask this because I do it for you. You deserve so much better than you think you do. you deserve so much more than you have. I am only wary of your partner because I care about your heart not because I’m jealous or pining for one myself. You being in a relationship is not a sad reminder that I’m not in one. I am learning who I am. I am learning what I want. I need you to learn with me. It’s awkward when you push me to talk to guys you think are interested and then leave me to have to gently let them down. Some guys don’t know how to receive rejection without feeling insulted and you pushing me to talk to someone with the hopes that we might fall in love and live happily ever after not only puts my heart in danger, it puts my life in danger too. I need you to be my protector. My knight. My brave. Sometimes I can’t make the right decisions and I need you to step in. Please don’t say to me that your wanting to find me a boyfriend is only because you’re worried or you care or you don’t want me to be lonely. I am the strongest I’ve been in years. I am happy and independent and doing things without having to ask for permission. I am flirting with life and you’re smothering me with your misplaced concern.
Please. I love you.
Megan C Lucas
When I was little,
my mother taught me that beautiful and ugly were to be placed in the same box.
The box labelled “inside”.
While someone can be attractive,
it does not make them beautiful
nor does it make them incapable of being ugly.
Also, while someone might be unattractive,
it does not make them ugly
nor does it make them incapable of being beautiful.
Ugly and beautiful are qualities you must look out for.
If they are the first thing you see,
there is a great chance you may be wrong.
A person’s true nature takes time to unravel.
_ Megan C Lucas