A letter to my father (21.06.2013)

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Dear Daddy

It has been a year and I have been silently struggling with the absence of your smile and understanding and wise words. I wish I could have known patience then. You were ill and I was selfish and I was frustrated with you for not wanting to get better. I realize now and I know that it is too late, to treat everyone with kindness and love whether or not I think they deserve it. They probably do. Our last moments together were not pleasant and I think mum still secretly wishes she hadn’t listened to me when I said we should leave early.

That night, when the hospital called and said we should come because that was probably the last time we’d see you, I still believed you were just needing a little extra attention and needed us there. I imagined you forced them to phone us. I imagined you’d be waiting in the hall for us. I imagined that would not be the last night we’d see you. I knew you were too strong for death. You’d outlive us all. I imagined wrong.

The last few images I have of that night break my heart. Us walking into the ward and seeing the nurse shake her head. Melinda breaking down. Wesley and I holding one another outside the room. Mummy. Your warm peaceful face. The black bag full of your things. It was almost like you knew and I wish you had said something. I wish you would have hinted at the idea of a life without you. I wish you would have begged us to stay until we absolutely had to go. I wish you would have stayed until you absolutely had to go. 

I miss you with every fiber of my soul and I’d use all my wishes on bringing you back if I had the slightest inkling of a feeling they would come true. I know you knew how much you meant to me irrespective of that day. Nobody loved me like you did and I miss that love. I miss the hugs. I miss the music. There are so many special things that have happened since you’ve been gone and I wish they could have happened earlier; my graduation, Wesley buying his first house, Melinda’s first baby, Mummy’s trip to Greece. You would have been so proud. 

Life is unpredictable but I am so grateful for having known you. You taught me the greatest and hardest lessons in life and because of you I am equipped for this world and its hurdles and lemons and speed bumps. Thank you for being my father and the best friend I could have ever asked for.

I love you. I miss you.

Your daughter and friend,

Poncho

A Series of Events

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He disappeared for a while and often and feelings were forgotten and flowers didn’t seem as pretty and sleep came back and my stomach was a house for food and no longer for butterflies and I stopped plucking my eyebrows and shaving my legs and the scale got dusty and so did the treadmill and my clothes started fitting better and then not at all and I started feeling empty and stopped eating and stopped going out and covered the mirrors and my clothes started fitting better and then not at all and I was an invisible speck floating through the cosmos.

He returned for a while and flowers were pretty and I started searching for sleep in the darkest part of the night and my phone was constantly connected to the charger and I was smiling at fruit flies and the kettle while it boiled and food while it heated in the microwave and when my friends would speak I’d only hear them because I’d be listening to myself narrating conversations from last night and the night before and last week and the sun was brighter and I was writing love poems on serviettes and playing Ella Fitzgerald on loud until I was singing Ella Fitzgerald in my sleep.

He disappeared for while that lasted longer than usual.

He hasn’t yet returned.

(Megan Celeste Lucas 2014)

The Law of Attraction

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Just recently I spoke to the owner of an online magazine focused strictly on positive news. This, in the middle of a world that is crumbling at its foundations, tearing at the seams, burning at the bridges, made me stop what I was doing and I was suddenly aware of my breathing, my existence and I realized the sadness of it all. We have lost faith in humanity. Chivalry is extinct. We would rather hate than open our minds.Why would anyone want to bring life into this cesspool we call home? 

In two months we will welcome a new addition to our family and I am so afraid for him. If we do not change the way we think and envision the future then there won’t be one. I’ve decided to find some stories I can write and submit but boy is it a mission and a half to find people doing good things. People who do good things from the heart usually don’t look for recognition so they’re gems, hidden beneath the rubble and I am going to have to work hard if I’m going to find them.

Fingers crossed!

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